by Miss Binky
Nowadays, with millions of Americans hoarding all their cash for trivial things like food and rent, it is essential to ferret out creative ways to keep up on personal grooming.
I don’t care how poor you are, nobody wants to see facial hair on women, ear hair that could be knit into sweaters for third world children, or violently menacing eyebrows that threaten a duel to the death with Martin Scorseses’ eyebrows.
So what’s a suddenly impoverished girl/guy to do?
Visit the U.S. Post Office!
That’s right, the US Post Office is more than just a place to mail &
receive packages. You can also, maintain your *package* while
standing in line!
The US Post Office has made debilitating on-the-go more convenient
than ever by providing customers with all the necessary items for the
job right there at your fingertips! Simply go to the Priority Mail
display and tear off 10-20 Priority Mail stickers. While waiting in line for
the next available postal employee, discretely follow these simple
steps:
1. Peeling off one sticker at a time, place it on the desired area for hair removal.
2. Press down firmly, in the direction of hair growth.
3. With a forceful tug, yank as hard as you can, in opposite direction without drawing attention to yourself. (Depending on which layer of the epidermis you have removed along with your hair, you may feel a slight tingling sensation/bleeding, accompanied by watery eyes/sudden migraine during this step.)
4. Use handy Priority Mail envelope for disposal of used stickers.
On a busy day, you can give yourself a Brazilian Bikini Wax, eyebrow shaping, armpit & leg hair removal (guys can remove a full beard, leaving your skin kissably soft, with minor abrasions & no unsightly toilet-paper dots!) all before mailing off your holiday packages to loved ones!
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your story is hilarious!
That is very good humor writing. Kudos to you.