by Lia Mier
The sun came up early, but all around her she felt shadows. Eva awoke as she always did, acutely aware of the cold. After being raised in the long dark Alaska winters the sun-filled mountain crispness should not have bothered her as much as it did, but this cold was the kind that radiated out from the bone; an internal cold that never warmed. Rolling over, she savored the warmth of the blankets and curled her body tightly against her sleeping daughter, breathing in the smell of baby shampoo and crayons that always hung around her tiny body. “Time to wake up Monkey” she whispered. Flora squirmed in bed next to her and grunted a little with disapproval. I know why she can’t wake up thought Eva, I kept her up to late last night. In fact she had been keeping her up to late every night. After long days of work and school she wanted to squeeze every moment out her time together with this child. At four years old, Flora was no longer a baby and Eva was shocked with how fast time had flown. And now, another winter had crept up on them, another semester of college, another day.
Making coffee, music playing in the shower, breakfast made for Flora and cartoons on the TV. This ritual was an anchor to them both. Outside the snow painted a familiar landscape white and frost made pictures on the window. Bundled up, they made there way to day care and school. In the early morning, the brilliant sun that made the landscape sparkle and shine until it was almost to brilliant to look at and one had to squint their eyes. Sometimes in life things can be like that she thought, sometimes the beautiful can obscure the mundane and ugly until one can’t really make out what’s what. And in a way that had always been Eva’s problem. Disappointed in family, lovers, and even friends, life had led her to a place of utter aloneness. A new adventure she would say. At twenty four, and with a four year old, she was heading back to college, becoming what no one had ever thought she could be – someone of importance. And that was the all consuming goal.
Arriving at the school Flora wanted to make snow angels and it took quite a bit of effort to get her inside with the other kids. ” Bye Monkey” Eva said and kissed Flora on the cheek, “see you in a little bit , be good.”
Walking to her own school, Eva’s mind was wrapped around the scent of lovers. The long distant touch of a long distant moment. When she had arrived in this town, her neighbor at the college housing was a nineteen year old biology major who followed her with his eyes everywhere she went. Now Eva was recalling tumbling in bed with him, losing herself in his kisses and his touch, losing herself in the pleasure of the moment. The thought entered her head he might be at home.
It had happened a year ago. The young man named Jason had caught her daughter when she tripped on the stairs. “Are you ok?” he had asked sweetly. Eva thought, That was it, he got me. Just the look in his eyes. How was it that this young guy with plugs in his ears, rips in his clothes, and a skateboard as his only mode of transportation had so quickly hit the heart of a single-mother-law-student who’s main thought was how to make so much money her child would never ever know what it was like to live in a trailer?
Sometimes in life we meet people who take us back to a forgotten moment, to the feeling of childhood, to the feeling of home. And this brings us comfort. With other people, you find that that they take you to a place you’ve never been before but have always longed for. Like going through your daily life and being reminded of the sweetest dream. For Eva, Jason was the latter. The affair was like sleep walking, a lucid dream, fumbling around in a world where you could take off and fly, or breath under water. And in his bed she always dreamt of wolves and rich dark earth, caves with waterfalls and cliffs that plunged down to an ocean that was frothy and gray and wild. To her, he was nature and though she loved him, she trusted him just as little as she trusted the cosmic power of creation that brought us the Grand Canyon, cancer, the plague, and roses.
Walking through the snow up to the apartment building they once shared, she paused for a moment. Her feet were cold and the bottoms of her pants were wet. She had walked right past her socio-economics class and down the road she used to live on. What am I oing? she thought. At his ground floor apartment a dog was barking, she knocked once and inhaled deeply. “Eva?!” It was Jason’s roommate Chris, sleepy eyed and messy haired, he looked stoned already but happy to see her. “Eva, come in, how are you?”
Inside the air was thick with cigarette smoke and smelled vaguely of coffee. Cartoons were on the TV and the dog was wiggling around, so happy to see his long lost friend. The girl who had picked him out at the pound after all. “Hi Sparky” Eva cooed, scratching behind his ears. “I was just out for a walk and thought I’d stop by and see what you guys were up to. Is Jason here?”.
“No, Jason’s at class, he’ll be back in a bit if you want a cup of coffee you could wait for him”. Chris looked at her warily. He knew how things had ended. He knew about her phone calls that were never returned and the long teary eyed conversations that lasted well into the night. “Um, Ok, I guess I could hang out for a minute” Eva said.
As a child Eva had made an igloo, a house made of ice. Her grandmother was a long time northerner who was part Inuit and part Irish, raised in small towns in Canada. To Grandma, it was more important to make a snow shelter than to read or write. And so, Eva had learned. Inside the igloo the air had been warm, warmer than she would have thought possible. Her aching hands filled with fresh warm blood, and she felt the feeling return to the tip of her nose. My heart, she thought, is like a little girl inside of a snow shelter.
“What have you been up to?” asked Chris
“Nothing much, school, work, Flora is so big now, you wouldn’t recognize her.”
“Really? I bet. We miss her, miss having her around. Jason and I were just talking about you two yesterday, about the day we took her to the bowling alley and she kept trying to pick the balls up even though they were as big as her. She’s a firecracker. You did good with that one.”
“Yeah, I did ,huh?” she said laughing. “She was your little shadow, she really loved, I mean, loves, you guys.”
There was a pause for a second, heavy as the unspoken words between them.
Just then the door opened. Jason. Covered in snow, his blond hair under a snow cap, boots caked in mud. It started snowing again, thought Eva.
How different he looked. Older, more mature, more like a man that could be a husband and a father. More like a man. “Jason” she said.
He looked at her with his big blue eyes “Eva, how are you?”. They walked into the kitchen and he fumbled around pouring coffee and offering her toast with jam. She just kept watching him, watching him like he had first watched her. In the beginning of their relationship she had been reluctant to consider some one so young, and they spent most of their time together engaged in platonic activities such as watching movies, making dinners, and walking in the woods. No matter how innocent the outing, she felt his eyes burn into her the way hers were burning into him now.
“I miss you,” she said.
He took a deep breath “I miss you too.”
Jason was a man of few words, but the ones he said he meant sincerely. He was not a shy person, but he was quiet. That is a crucial distinction, she thought, because a shy person is usually trying to hide a vulnerability and Jason was not vulnerable – in fact there was very little he seemed to be afraid of. Eva on the other hand felt the enormity of her vulnerability pressing in on her. The sacrifices and small humiliations of coming from nothing and having everything to lose. She hoped that when he looked at her he didn’t see that.
Coffee in hand, they sat looking at each other in the quiet.
” Jason…”
“Yeah?”
“What are you doing today? Are you busy?”
“No, I just had an early class and now I’m free.”
“I was thinking about making a snow shelter,” Eva said,eyes forthright and unafraid. “Do you want to make a snow shelter with me?”
Jason smiled, not expecting that question, but as an avid outdoors man pleased by it.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’d love to.” He smiled.
“Ok,” she said, smiling too now. “Lets do it, do you have a shovel?”
His beat up truck took them on a windy road that led to the northwest of town. “What time do you have to pick Flora up,” he asked. “4:30,” she answered. Plenty of time to walk into the state park and make a snow shelter, she thought. He fumbled with the radio, looking for a station playing something good, and finally, in defeat, turned it off. Outside the gray leafless trees stretched their branches high, sometimes things just look dead, Eva thought. Looks could be deceiving. Higher and higher they drove till deciduous city trees gave way to ponderosa forest, and all Eva could think about was Jack London and Call of the Wild. About walking into a world that was more real than one we live in, the one humans built as an extension of our minds. Jack London in Alaska, with his sled dogs and fur parka. That is who she wanted to be. What did it matter the cold or the pain of living on ones own? At least you could die, she thought, as a free person.
“How’s school,” Jason asked.
“It’s good. I think I’m just tired of all the words, you know?”
“Yeah?”
“They don’t really mean anything to me anymore. People can say whatever they want. They talk up this and that and all that talking doesn’t make anything real.” She paused. “I don’t really trust what people say anymore.”
“I thought you wanted to be a lawyer Eva, that’s just part of the job description.”
“No, I wanted to do something with my life and I thought that law would let me help people ”
“Eva, you don’t have to prove anything…. you really don’t.”
“No, I do. I do have to prove something. That’s why I’m in school to begin with. You know what’s it’s like…” She stopped because, of course she knew he didn’t. Jason’s parents were both professors and biologists who had traveled the globe and now owned a successful, green business consulting firm – which Jason would inherit. Eva was the child of drug addicts and alcoholics who had grown up between foster care and total chaos and when she became pregnant at 19 every one had seen her destined for a life of the same. Jason absolutely did not understand.
“No your right,” she said. “I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone, just myself.” In her heart she whispered – The real world, the wild world, neither condemns nor congratulates. That was one truth her old grandmother had known.
He stopped the car. “Here we are,” he said, getting out. His blue eyes sparkled and snow fell in is dirty blonde hair. He looked at Eva. “You really are beautiful,” he said. She knew how she must look, long black hair framed with snow flakes, and she smiled, “You are too.”
Walking through the woods he asked her about Flora, how she was doing, what toys she liked to play with now, and Eva laughed and answered and Jason thought Eva’s eyes were only that animated and lovely when she was talking about her daughter. This woman confused and intimidated him with what seemed to be grown up sexuality and child like fragility. He knew he had to be careful. He hadn’t dated a lot of girls, but she was the only one who shed tears over him, and he never wanted to see that again.
“Ok,” Eva started. “So we need to dig up from the bottom and mix the different layers of snow together, that will help it solidify. I think about six by six feet will do. Let’s start making a pile.”
They cleared the ground and shoveled the snow into a mound. Then began the work of hollowing the mound out and creating a wind break at the entrance. The snow was more shallow than she had expected and structure ended up being very small. “We’re really supposed to give it a few hours,” she said, intensely studying the foundation, “but what the hell, let’s put the blanket in.” They hollowed out a hole at the top with a stick and Eva was concerned for second that the whole thing would collapse, but luckily it was stable, more so than she would have thought.
“Cozy huh,” she asked.
“Yes it is,” Jason said, studying her. ” Where did you learn how to do this?”
“My Grandma taught me how to make all sorts of structures in the woods. She was a cool lady, she knew all about how to find food and keep warm and live off nothing”
“Ah, she was resourceful like you then.”
“Yes she was,” said Eva proudly. Most definitely resourceful.
“I’m really sorry I didn’t call you.”
“Me too.”
“No really, I was just, I got a little scared. I’m sorry. I was happy when I saw you were there today because I’ve really missed you. I was stupid…” He looked at her seriously. “…and I know you have a kid and I love her but I was just scared about getting in too deep and I know I judged you. You don’t know my parents… they try to be open minded but I didn’t want to deal with the drama I knew they’d create when they met you. I’m sorry.”
“I know -” she started.
“It was shitty though, I didn’t know I’d be like that, I didn’t think that about myself, I
thought I was better than that. I’ve felt terrible for the past year, you don’t even know.”
“It’s Ok, you don’t have to explain. I know you. I know.” And she just looked at him. Eyes deep and searching, and as she spoke, she had the air of one who was just realizing that these words she actually meant. “And I don’t need that kind of love Jason, because I can’t ever be anything other than what I am, and what I am I’m very proud of because I made it myself. What I have, I’ve built myself. I don’t need your I’m-sorry’s. So please don’t apologize.”
She felt her heart inside her chest, beating it’s wings like a little bird in a metal cage. All these months she had dreamed of this moment. Being close to Jason again, having a second chance, and now that she was here she realized that Jason was like the bright sun on a snowy day – the beautiful changed the landscape so that she had no longer been able to see what was real and what was illusion. Sometimes beauty can do that to you, she thought. But the bricks and mortar that life is made out of, the foundation of what gives you meaning, all the sparkling snow in the world can’t take that away – if you squint your eyes and look past the illusion. She smiled at him now, not because she wanted one more moment of affection, but out of real friendship and caring. I’m lucky, she thought, because I know what I’m made of.
That afternoon they sat inside the snow shelter, shoulders touching, huddled under a blanket for warmth. She laid her head on his shoulder one last time and closed her eyes. She pictured the snow dome melting and cracking and falling down around her. She pictured a diamond sky made of ice crumbling down, and beneath it, no longer hidden, was a little girl. She was no longer afraid of the cold, spring would come, and she knew when it did she’d never have to wonder about her ability to make it through a winter. Her eyes were now illusion proof and she pictured the snow as a furry beast running far away from her in fear.
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